Tuesday, April 22, 2008

This day marks my fortieth year.

Of the city that I was born in, I have no recollection except for those memories gathered subsequently. The Kandy of 1968 is probably very different to what it is today.

From Kandy we moved to Colombo, Davidson Road, Bambalapitiya and a few years later to Wellewatte and the house that I have spent most of my life at.

I’m looking back now, across the years, it’s had its moments.

The last five months have been some of the most turbulent of these years. At the most unexpected moment in my life, I was touched to the core of my being in a way that I never thought I would be again. The emotions that ran through me taking me back 20yrs into the past and another one such as this. It was prophetic of me that I wrote in mid January this year that I would look back on the previous five weeks and consider them to be the happiest of my life. I was happy, content, touched, and moved, I was me.

Right now, there is very little around me that is good. Both in my personal and professional life, I am at a low point, possibly the lowest that I have ever been.

The most recent crisis to develop happened barely 24 hours ago forcing me to possibly forget ‘me’. It seems likely that my own meltdown is on an indefinite hold.

This brings me to the strength of my mind. In spite of the depths of despair I have found myself to be, I was never quite in danger of loosing it all. I cannot take complete credit for this; the extent to which the fabric of my brain was frayed caused me some concern. But a greater part of that credit I attribute to two factors – the penning of my thoughts and the presence of friends, who over the past five months have made an effort to be there for me. Two of them specifically in their own indomitable manner kept me from running aground. Awesome and Black Stilettos, thank you

In this I have been a fortunate man. Over the years I have been blessed with having friends who have stood with me. Some of them go back 25yrs, others as recent as a year. All of them with no exception have been true. Well, perhaps with one exception – my ex wife! We were friends for over fifteen years; it took just three years of marriage to discover the dark side.

My wish for this anniversary? In truth, I wish to be alone. I wish a life of solitaire. But this is now unlikely to happen. For a completely unexpected reason it seems that my life is not going to be the one that I would wish for, that I will have to live another’s.

And with that, all I will have for the rest of my life are memories of five weeks and a love that has always been, always will be.

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