Sunday, March 30, 2008

I go alone

Because I believe, I go alone. Perhaps all that has happened, did not. But I believe and ultimately faith is just that, what you believe

Friday, March 28, 2008

The truth shall set thee free!

In a way, I am relieved. For the first time in many a night, I slept well.
Yesterday brought back more questions than the answers I hoped for, but at least there is direction.
I will survive, I will

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Sri Lanka Balloon Festival

My initial reaction on hearing this was subdued excitement, for the e mail I received certainly promised a bright spectacle - it was after all themed 'Night Glow'.

I love balloons and I dream of drifting across the Masai Mara one day. So, look forward I did to this event, proudly sponsored by the Sri Lanka Tourist Board - 22 Hot Air Balloons lit up and on display!

My first intimation that all was not quite right was when it dawned upon me that this was in fact an invited event.... not one open to the public as I was initially lead to believe. Ye Gods, large and small, what was I to do? For I had been enthusiastically spreading the word and even gone to the extent of even offering to take someones off spring for the show!

A few rounds around the university grounds and a bit of linguistical leaping saw me past the security and inside the grounds that afternoon. Fortunately I came across a very understanding person from the organising committee who very graciously handed me the required number of complimentary tickets. That was about the height of the entire day.

Arriving that evening we were greeted by the sight of many sheds,chairs, Sri Lanka's own Police Band and two wicker baskets, forlornly sitting on the grass.

To cut a really awful story short, we were treated to a parade of people lead on to the field by six mounted policemen, a lot of drumming and dancing. The only thing to really reach the sky that evening were "1000's" of helium balloons, released to celebrate the festival. The 22 Hot Air ones were a no show.... way after the sun set there were some efforts to blow a couple of them up, but alas, vain indeed the efforts were for they soon collapsed like... well they collapsed.

It was about then that I decided to call it a day and go home. Another well thought of and badly executed effort.

Now what possibly could have been done was to have the balloons already up and tethered to the ground before the start.... but I guess brighter minds than mine were at work.

Its kind of sad, for this would certainly have been an impressive sight if executed as it should have been done. Why is it so difficult to plan and coordinate something like this? Why make such a dance about it and fall flat on our faces? All it really takes is a little effort, truly.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Find me

Each passing day and I wither a little more, the colors of my life, shades of grey. Ash. Find me...

Friday, March 21, 2008


I cannot hold this course, driven by the vagaries of tide and weather I drift... where is my anchor to be found?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


1) Falling in love
2) Time spent with good friends
3) Un planned trips
4) Hearing a song that reminds you of someone
5) The way your heart leaps seeing that someone 'special'
6) Wearing something that smells of the person you love
7) Driving early morning on an empty road
8) Dozing off to the sound of rain
9) Having a great meal with friends
10) Making love at dawn
11) A first kiss
12) A wonderful conversation with people you respect
13) Watching a sunset or sunrise
14) Being with that person that makes your life worth it all
15) Discovering your soul mate
16) Wrestling with a dog
17) Watching a child play
18) Seeing love in someones eyes
19) Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the light in your soul
2o) Having your arms around that special person
21) Reading to a child

Monday, March 17, 2008

Its fading

Slowly I find myself coming out into the light. The pain of the last few weeks gradually reducing into the back ground.

I am far from where I need to be, I don't think I can ever go back, but at least I find myself stepping back from the abyss.

What my path is going to be, I am yet to find out. But that I cannot stand here longer is obvious. I am not being fair to myself or those around me.

I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see there, it is too close to the surface, too raw. This time around, this time I will not come out of it so easily. I have tried to suppress myself, to do what I did before. I cannot. Perhaps I am no longer as resilient as I once was, perhaps I know that this is my last chance, that if I do not this time, it is never to be again. Twice my life brought me so close, but never as close as this time, never as definite as this time.

To know that this is so right and to know that it is never to be, this is my pain

Not knowing

I am undecided, and I am so for I do not know; missing as I do a critical piece.

Perhaps I should give up, "One option is to grow up, tighten your suspenders and make it work...." and just get on with what I have, forget who I am and march on... an option certainly.

Or else, find out if there is a reality to my desires

31 days I give myself, 744 hours to find out

Sunday, March 9, 2008

I saw a child today

I saw a child today

And I felt my throat constrict

I saw a child today

And tears filled my eyes

I saw a child today

And I cried for a love lost

I saw a child today

Who would never be mine

Saturday, March 8, 2008


4th March 2008 and I am off on my travels again. Not too far this time, just across to the sub continent, to Kolkata India. The city is a new one for me though the country is not.

I am of mixed emotions on this journey, the opportunity this trip has to offer in terms of my career, the chance to see a new country, reason enough to be happy, but all is not well; the past few weeks have been emotionally draining and I am exhausted. I have tried to match that my exerting myself physically, running in the night, pushing myself trying to balance body and spirit

Chennai. Aboard my next flight to Kolkata… the journey has been good, connections made, baggage still with me!
6th March 2008
Kolkata, teeming with people, loud, blocked, incessantly tooting horns, beautiful old buildings, garden parks and those tooting horns! Why, no one is really going anywhere!!

Here to see a potential client, to show him what we have to offer I have another agenda – to seek clarity for my future with this organisation.

Landed on my back with a migraine, the trip to the plant was a terrible one – adding to my discomfort a sense of nausea…
7th March 2008
These next few months will show if what I have been told is to be or not. Added responsibilities to come my way, a green light for me to enter a new market, all good if actually allowed taking place. I will see.
My future, all in the future… it’s always the next corner….

I have found a new sense of appreciation for my own city, and my fervent hope is that it does not go the way of these Indian cities with their pollution, their chaos, their poverty. For while a war and poor government holds my country back, here while a part of the nation has indeed moved forward, it has most certainly done so leaving the masses behind.

The poverty is painful to see. Not in the driest regions of Wellewaya, not in the most rural part of the north is it possible to see such poverty.
8th March 2008
My initial stay has been extended by an additional day, courtesy of my boss. A waste of time I think, but sometimes I have to go with the flow.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

My dream

I dreamt of you last night
And in my dream
Talking to you so difficult
Not one moment alone
Not one second to us

I dreamt of you last night
And in my dream
Just as I was to leave
I had my moment
To ask you where we stood

I dreamt of you last night
And in my dream
You did not know me
You looked at me with a question in your eyes
“Who are you?”

I dreamt of you last night
And in my dream
My dream became my greatest fear
It was all a dream
It did not happen

Saturday, March 1, 2008


All around me
In the light of day
In the dark of night