Monday, July 23, 2007

A funny feel, feel I.......

An 'obsession' I have, one that has plagued me for quite sometime now.... lay there it did, just beyond the reach of my finger tips, try as I might, reach far enough I could quite not to touch it; into my grasp, it to take. To keep it was not my desire, merely to hold it for a short moment, to be able to experience something that was once mine, then lost

But there has been a shift in the wind, and what blew to some extent in my direction about to shift away from me forever.... I am rendered desolate by this turn of events... It is a stupid matter in reality, but it is a matter which affects me and I am uneased.

It is strange, while this was there, it gave me some meaning... now, like a broken compass swinging from one point to another with no sense of direction... much is not going my way right now, I am fighting on too many fronts against a rising tide and I am on the verge of being swamped. Concerned I am for there be others around be, innocent souls that could be hurt.

I must find my port, my haven to weather the storm as it swirls around me..... Oh how I wish I could run, run to rest, to gather myself, find some peace, time to gather my thoughts, work out the demons that plague me again.

Somewhere there is a warm beach where I can sit, sipping Bacardi and coke all day, soaking in the sun...........

Monday morning...

Another week to survive - it's so strange how my attitude has changed.There was a time, not too far ago when all I lived for was my Monday's, now, I can't help but look forward to my weekends and downtime.

The weekend past.... Up early on the Saturday to watch cnn and the coverage of the Harry Potter launch, a call to a dear pal to listen in as she picked up her copy nice and early in the morning - she's done with it now, tells me it's "F'ng awsum" in her opinion, I have it now, and it's been amazing so far.

The rest of Saturday morn spent shopping, (for railway sleepers of all things!) and then a leisurely drive down the coast. We spent the weekend at a fancy resort, courtesy of my lady, and while it was a nice change, it wasn't quite as relaxing - the weather was rather dull.

The Mangroves is coming along nicely. Work on the roof next on the agenda.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Me lot

I've been pestered with this nagging feeling at the back of my head, that all is not right, that something stinks. It's not me, my personal hygiene is relatively good; which leaves me with just one possibility and that is that this is a my season of discontent.

I am restless, most of the time. The times I am not, I tend to be merely boring which is a tragedy in itself. I want to live, mere existence not good enough. To savour, to taste, to experience life in all it's hues, smells, tastes, feels.........

I have little to complain about, to the uninitiated (and this consists of almost everyone I know except for the chosen ones) I seemingly have the nick knacks of a relatively successful life. But like in C S Lewis's 'The Last Battle' there is more to me the further inside you go - an onion and layers, with the inner ones larger than the outer ones........ no, don't try to figure it out, just go with the thought, it's a good one, trust me on that......

Anyway, it seems that I have started to ramble.... shall be back.....

Monday, July 16, 2007

Heart Cry

Sometime ago, some not very pretty things were going on in my life and you know, there are times when the people around you just cannot understand what is happening inside you. My solution then was to thump away at my keyboard, on and off over a six month period, try and let out all that I was feeling at the time. The result was this. It still hurts to read it, for it still feels real, but, its part of me, a piece of my life for whatever its worth.

"Found a picture of you today and my heart broke, again. I get so angry with you when I think of all that we had and what we lost. How the bloody hell could someone like you have been so stupid - what in Gods name were you thinking?

You forgot who you were C; somewhere down the line you lost your head for the stupid things in life – money, fancy house, and fancy car. I married you because I loved you, you the person who told me that you did not want those things. One of the happiest times in the recent past was when we went to see your old teacher, remember? We sat on the porch of that ramshackle house over looking the lagoon and spoke of living there?

Was it such a crime that I did not earn as much as you did? That I was not as educated as you are? Do you remember making fun of me saying that I had not passed my O’s?

You knew me for who I am, and I made you my whole world. Why was that not enough? Fool that I was I believed that that was all that you wanted.

Looking back in the events of last year, there were significant moments when you could have turned it around my love. On that first occasion when S called you drunk on a Sunday. What did you tell me? That he was a useful business contact as well as being a friend! That night when I wanted to pick you up, after having dinner with Mr. G. What I should have done was to go home and waited for you and smashed his vehicle when you arrived.

And the times I told you to drop it. Did you listen? No. What was it, C listens to no one? I guess so.

And the way you discarded the pair of pearl earrings that I brought from Japan. That was a gift that I had want for so long to get you – from the day you once told me that you liked earrings. With what love I went looking for that. Guess it was not expensive or big enough for you huh? Sorry, was all I could afford my love.

And then, the final straw, your attitude over those three weeks. What was it? That you got caught out? So what? All that should have mattered to you was that I believed you! In spite of all that I had heard, seen, experienced; I chose to believe you. So what the fuck was the matter with you? Who else had to believe and why? That was it C, that was when I realized that you would always live by two rules. One set for you, where you could do anything that you wanted to do, when you wanted to and another set for mere mortals such as me, where we had to do what you wanted us to do.

So, where has this all got you?

.......for someone else, and lost the one man who loved you in totality. What else C, what else have you done that I don’t know about? Was that trip to M with S just another in a string of trips to S and God knows where? Did you really expect me to believe that a person of your talents could not get a visa by yourself?

God knows I miss you. I do C, with every fiber of my being. And in the darkest moments of the night I d wish that we could go back again. But we can’t can we? No, because I have seen a side to you that is dark. A part of you that is vindictive, irrational and cruel. And as much as I love you, I deserve better that what you did to me.

Its a few weeks since I wrote most of that… you would expect that I have moved on… I have not. Oh how I miss you C! I wonder what a life without you would be… I guess it’s gonna be like it is right now… and it’s not a nice place. People say that I should move on, meet someone, settle down again… It seems so surreal – another life, another person. Somehow I can’t see myself doing that. I am a one woman man C, and loving you as I did, there was no other woman for me in my life. And feeling the way I did for you, with all my heart and soul, I could not love another. Not in the way that I loved you.

I can still see you in my minds eye as you cam walking out of office that first day you had dinner with me. I remember ending some where near S M, thinking your office was there. We had dinner on the beach that night and later sitting on the sand talked for so long. You told me that night that you were torn between two men, and fool that I was for a moment I though that I was one of them! It wasn’t me was it? M and G were the two you were talking about. I should have read the signs then… the fuss you made about me going for S’s party… the scene you made coming back from B… little things which I ignored.

A few more weeks down the road, in a few weeks our divorce goes to courts…. I was looking at a few sms’s I have from you… the one where you ask me not to give up on you, another where you say you don’t give a toss about what anyone thinks and then the one where you say it hurts to wear your mothers ring. Oh C, I miss you so much… how much it meant to me that you wore your mothers wedding ring… and with what hopes I put that on your finger… strange how life does not work out the way you think it will huh? Did I think even that we would come to this one day; never.

I suppose you will do all you can to make things difficult… I guess you have to do that… what you don’t realize girl is that is all the more reason why we could never have got things together again. After I met with S and his wife, heard the things that they said, and yet kept things in perspective, I came off thinking I had done good, that we could put this all behind us. But then in the car, when you kept on about how you were going to get back at him I started to realize that you would never change. You were not sorry about what happened, you were angry that I found out, that the very guy I warned you about let you down. And you had to prove to everyone else that you were right, at whatever cost, even our marriage. Pride is a terrible thing C, but I guess you don’t give a toss.

I cannot see where I will be two, three years down…. The last year has had its ups and downs… I like what I’m doing now, I get to meet people, travel a bit. Still have the old circle of friends…. Made a few new friends… that’s cool. Taking a day at a time. I, I hope that one day you will learn that things cannot always be the way you want it C. Life is about give and take, and no one is perfect. I know this, and that is why I understood what you did and accepted it to the extent that I could put it all behind me. But then you showed me that I could not really trust you.. And after that, well there was really no other option."

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Oh success!

What a relief, the search is over and I have what I want! A lengthy drive last night, to scramble through the ruins of a demolished house reaching a stack of earthen bricks!
OK, its like this, I am building a wall, well I am getting a wall built - 5m x 2m. For this wall I wanted a particular brick, not the regular fired clay brick but one cut and shaped of a certain kind of stone. Pitted, pocked, rough in finish, this brick is scarce, the primary source for it being old houses now.

I confess, I had almost resigned myself to the fact that I was not gonna find what I wanted. And I have been looking, for months now, ending up in some really unlikely places, one of which is what eventually lead me to where I was last night.....

Oh, I almost forgot... an unexpected find - four carved granite stones bases for wooden pillars, a 100yrs old at least, and so gorgeous. Mine now, soon to be part of The Mangroves.....

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Another day dawns....

Tis 2 score and some odd hours later and I be mightily pleased at the manner in which my blog hath fallen into place - pleasing to my mind I find it I do!

This last day gone by was not the best of day I must confess..... I am not happy with my lot; and this is a matter of some seriousness to one who has always been passionately enthusiastic about what one does. It is not the exact content of my occupation that is the issue, rather the people that I work with. They are, i am sure, all amazingly wonderful people in their own right, BUT, the crux of the matter is that I am not easy with the flow of things.

I am told that there is one of two things one can resort to in such a situation - change my environment, or my attitude. And I have to confess that i am awfully tired, tired of trying to instill a sense of responsibility, pride, professionalism. Much against my will, I seem to be forced in the direction of taking the path of least resistance, much against my grain. For I know that I will not be able to give of my best under such circumstances, that i will soon be no different to the rest of the rabble....

But to make up for that meet I did an old friend, someone who's absence I have felt terribly so. Our time together was too short, yet sufficient to catch up, to atone for the time apart.

I am of better cheer as a result.....

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All the things that I want to do

Life's too short, and too much of it spent doing stuff that really is an awful waste off time.... I turn forty next year, which is really really strange cos I don't feel like I am THAT old. So what have I done so far? Well somewhere in cyber space is a list of the things that I wanted to do before I, well whatever happens when you die.

So, here's what I'm gonna do today - try and resurrect the list from memory, add in all the new stuff AND best of all, tick of what I have done!

1. Ride in a Hot Air Balloon - Did this and what an amazing experience.... to drift silently across the landscape, the wilder the better. If there is one thing that you will do in your life, let it be this, in the company of one thou loves and holds dear
2. Travel - Oh yes, 27 countries as of now, more to come I hope
3. Visit the Galapagos and Easter Island
4. The Carnival in Rio
5. Ride in a Helicopter - Done!
6. To swim with dolphins
7. Drive a Bugatti Veyron (currently the worlds fastest car for those of you who don't know)
8. Stand on the Equator - Done, in Uganda 2005
9. Swim off all four coast's of SL - Did, with the final one off the coast of Jaffna in 2003 (Chuti, thank you!)
10. A ride in a submarine - Done!
11. Have a blog - I do now
12. Learn another language - working on it
13. See a tornado up close
14. Build a retreat - its done!
15. See a Space Shuttle launch
16. Ride a Roller Coaster - Done
17. See Africa - working on it....
18. Take an awesome photograph
19. Do one, completely, utterly unselfish thing
20. Do one, completely, utterly selfish thing
21. See the Aurora Borealis
22. Stay a night in a five star hotel suite
23. Throw a piece of gum at a world map and go there
24. See an Emperor Penguin in the wild
25. Be friends with my Ex - unlikely to happen
26. Be able to just walk away from a job
27. Live in a place I love - I do now thanks to #14
28. Pull of the neatest gag
29. Send flowers anonymously - I do, and its quite pleasent to do too
30. Make one unaffordable purchase - I think I did that when I bought a Kayak, now I've run out of lagoon to paddle in....
31. Join the Mile High Club
32. Find my soul mate- I found her, but...
33. Get a tattoo - Done
34. Skinny dip - Done
35. Own an original piece of art - I did, for a few days, thank you Cherryville
36. To sing well, once
37. See the inside of a police station cell - errr, I did, not nice, once was enough
38. See a volcano blowing its top
39. Stand at the tip of Africa - Done. Cape Agulhas, South Africa where the Indian and Atlantic Oceans meet AND now the Western tip in Senegal too
40. A threesome - Suffice to say "NC"
41. Ride in a hovercraft - Done (Sierra Leone Sept 2007)
42. Fly a plane
43. Swim in the open sea - would 100 feet of water under me do it? Done!
44. See the worlds tallest mountains - Kanchenjunga and Mt Kilimanjaro, so far....
45. Live to be a 100
46. Design and launch a product - Done
47. Ride a bicycle built for two
48. Play with a lion/ leopard/ cheetah/ elephant- Done, done, done and done!
49. Hold my breath till I turn blue
50. Get an upgrade on a flight
51. Get GOLD status on a frequent flyer programme - Done
52. Have my own little retreat - See#14
53. Fly with no luggage
54. Drink a vintage wine
55. Spend a night in a cemetery
56. Meet a Jade Peacock - hehe, done
57. Visit Timbuktu - DONE and in style too!
58. Drive across a desert
59. Sail in a Dhow
60. Sleep in a desert under the stars
61. Stand on a polar cap (Make it the Antarctica and I can cross out #23 too!)
62. Own my dream car (a BMW 320D)
63. Take a bath with bubblezzzz
64. Take a cruise on an ocean liner
65. Travel the Greek Islands - Black Stilletoes, sound good?
66. Sky-dive(?)
67. Have a house by the sea
68. Find Life, Hope, Wish and Desire
69. Find her, hold her, never to let her go again...
70. Become a decent man