Sometime ago, some not very pretty things were going on in my life and you know, there are times when the people around you just cannot understand what is happening inside you. My solution then was to thump away at my keyboard, on and off over a six month period, try and let out all that I was feeling at the time. The result was this. It still hurts to read it, for it still feels real, but, its part of me, a piece of my life for whatever its worth.
"Found a picture of you today and my heart broke, again. I get so angry with you when I think of all that we had and what we lost. How the bloody hell could someone like you have been so stupid - what in Gods name were you thinking?
You forgot who you were C; somewhere down the line you lost your head for the stupid things in life – money, fancy house, and fancy car. I married you because I loved you, you the person who told me that you did not want those things. One of the happiest times in the recent past was when we went to see your old teacher, remember? We sat on the porch of that ramshackle house over looking the lagoon and spoke of living there?
Was it such a crime that I did not earn as much as you did? That I was not as educated as you are? Do you remember making fun of me saying that I had not passed my O’s?
You knew me for who I am, and I made you my whole world. Why was that not enough? Fool that I was I believed that that was all that you wanted.
Looking back in the events of last year, there were significant moments when you could have turned it around my love. On that first occasion when S called you drunk on a Sunday. What did you tell me? That he was a useful business contact as well as being a friend! That night when I wanted to pick you up, after having dinner with Mr. G. What I should have done was to go home and waited for you and smashed his vehicle when you arrived.
And the times I told you to drop it. Did you listen? No. What was it, C listens to no one? I guess so.
And the way you discarded the pair of pearl earrings that I brought from Japan. That was a gift that I had want for so long to get you – from the day you once told me that you liked earrings. With what love I went looking for that. Guess it was not expensive or big enough for you huh? Sorry, was all I could afford my love.
And then, the final straw, your attitude over those three weeks. What was it? That you got caught out? So what? All that should have mattered to you was that I believed you! In spite of all that I had heard, seen, experienced; I chose to believe you. So what the fuck was the matter with you? Who else had to believe and why? That was it C, that was when I realized that you would always live by two rules. One set for you, where you could do anything that you wanted to do, when you wanted to and another set for mere mortals such as me, where we had to do what you wanted us to do.
So, where has this all got you?
.......for someone else, and lost the one man who loved you in totality. What else C, what else have you done that I don’t know about? Was that trip to M with S just another in a string of trips to S and God knows where? Did you really expect me to believe that a person of your talents could not get a visa by yourself?
God knows I miss you. I do C, with every fiber of my being. And in the darkest moments of the night I d wish that we could go back again. But we can’t can we? No, because I have seen a side to you that is dark. A part of you that is vindictive, irrational and cruel. And as much as I love you, I deserve better that what you did to me.
Its a few weeks since I wrote most of that… you would expect that I have moved on… I have not. Oh how I miss you C! I wonder what a life without you would be… I guess it’s gonna be like it is right now… and it’s not a nice place. People say that I should move on, meet someone, settle down again… It seems so surreal – another life, another person. Somehow I can’t see myself doing that. I am a one woman man C, and loving you as I did, there was no other woman for me in my life. And feeling the way I did for you, with all my heart and soul, I could not love another. Not in the way that I loved you.
I can still see you in my minds eye as you cam walking out of office that first day you had dinner with me. I remember ending some where near S M, thinking your office was there. We had dinner on the beach that night and later sitting on the sand talked for so long. You told me that night that you were torn between two men, and fool that I was for a moment I though that I was one of them! It wasn’t me was it? M and G were the two you were talking about. I should have read the signs then… the fuss you made about me going for S’s party… the scene you made coming back from B… little things which I ignored.
A few more weeks down the road, in a few weeks our divorce goes to courts…. I was looking at a few sms’s I have from you… the one where you ask me not to give up on you, another where you say you don’t give a toss about what anyone thinks and then the one where you say it hurts to wear your mothers ring. Oh C, I miss you so much… how much it meant to me that you wore your mothers wedding ring… and with what hopes I put that on your finger… strange how life does not work out the way you think it will huh? Did I think even that we would come to this one day; never.
I suppose you will do all you can to make things difficult… I guess you have to do that… what you don’t realize girl is that is all the more reason why we could never have got things together again. After I met with S and his wife, heard the things that they said, and yet kept things in perspective, I came off thinking I had done good, that we could put this all behind us. But then in the car, when you kept on about how you were going to get back at him I started to realize that you would never change. You were not sorry about what happened, you were angry that I found out, that the very guy I warned you about let you down. And you had to prove to everyone else that you were right, at whatever cost, even our marriage. Pride is a terrible thing C, but I guess you don’t give a toss.
I cannot see where I will be two, three years down…. The last year has had its ups and downs… I like what I’m doing now, I get to meet people, travel a bit. Still have the old circle of friends…. Made a few new friends… that’s cool. Taking a day at a time. I, I hope that one day you will learn that things cannot always be the way you want it C. Life is about give and take, and no one is perfect. I know this, and that is why I understood what you did and accepted it to the extent that I could put it all behind me. But then you showed me that I could not really trust you.. And after that, well there was really no other option."