Tuesday, April 29, 2008

... oh dear

it just keeps getting worse... when shit happens, it just does not stop does it? All my efforts directed to keeping my head afloat... I wonder what tomorrow is gonna do to me

Friday, April 25, 2008

New phenomenon

I've been keeping an eye on me... abrupt mood swings... not good me thinks...

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Being wished by a 3yr old, who then proceeded to give me three 'hip hip hooray's' after singing happy birthday to me!

A bag of goodies - including the score from CATS!

A diamond ear stud

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

This day marks my fortieth year.

Of the city that I was born in, I have no recollection except for those memories gathered subsequently. The Kandy of 1968 is probably very different to what it is today.

From Kandy we moved to Colombo, Davidson Road, Bambalapitiya and a few years later to Wellewatte and the house that I have spent most of my life at.

I’m looking back now, across the years, it’s had its moments.

The last five months have been some of the most turbulent of these years. At the most unexpected moment in my life, I was touched to the core of my being in a way that I never thought I would be again. The emotions that ran through me taking me back 20yrs into the past and another one such as this. It was prophetic of me that I wrote in mid January this year that I would look back on the previous five weeks and consider them to be the happiest of my life. I was happy, content, touched, and moved, I was me.

Right now, there is very little around me that is good. Both in my personal and professional life, I am at a low point, possibly the lowest that I have ever been.

The most recent crisis to develop happened barely 24 hours ago forcing me to possibly forget ‘me’. It seems likely that my own meltdown is on an indefinite hold.

This brings me to the strength of my mind. In spite of the depths of despair I have found myself to be, I was never quite in danger of loosing it all. I cannot take complete credit for this; the extent to which the fabric of my brain was frayed caused me some concern. But a greater part of that credit I attribute to two factors – the penning of my thoughts and the presence of friends, who over the past five months have made an effort to be there for me. Two of them specifically in their own indomitable manner kept me from running aground. Awesome and Black Stilettos, thank you

In this I have been a fortunate man. Over the years I have been blessed with having friends who have stood with me. Some of them go back 25yrs, others as recent as a year. All of them with no exception have been true. Well, perhaps with one exception – my ex wife! We were friends for over fifteen years; it took just three years of marriage to discover the dark side.

My wish for this anniversary? In truth, I wish to be alone. I wish a life of solitaire. But this is now unlikely to happen. For a completely unexpected reason it seems that my life is not going to be the one that I would wish for, that I will have to live another’s.

And with that, all I will have for the rest of my life are memories of five weeks and a love that has always been, always will be.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The week that was

Oh this has been an interesting week, drama, despair, anticipation, sweat, blood (ok, no blood) and tears.

Tuesday, the first day after the NY hols. The drive to office made in 20mts cruising along Baseline road doing a 100, my favourite SOB CD playing away. Office all to myself till almost nine, solid work done, great stuff. Gym

Wednesday pretty much sucked. A favourable annual performance review marred by the shenanigans of an incompetent insecure twit who is not only my line manager but ceo too. The day was more than made up for however by an encounter with Black Stilettos. BS’s presence has been long missed and this meeting was too long coming. The face to face was preceded by a lengthy chat over the phone to discuss knick knacks, some paddy whacks as well as photography. Add to this, a lead to a fascinating article in a Daily that day about a canoe trip. From this I ended up corresponding with the author and an invite to join me for a chilled beer on the river bank. By and by check out AFLAC - link on the side bar.

Thursday boring, saved only by the presence of Awesome on-line. That was the day that I found myself on Kimbula - http://www.kimbula.com/. Now I’m usually not the forum, community chit chat social animal type of person – I am a morose, grumpy old fart, set in my ways and hell bent in self destructing in pursuit of a dream. But let’s get back Kimbula. Recently launched, has a straight forward navigation board and so far seemingly populated by a group who seem comfortable with each other… I felt like a little intruder, but they have made me feel welcome. Gym

Friday, TGIF! Don’t you just love Lite 89.2? I do, have it running all day listening to them on-line (http://www.lite892.com/liveradio.html). Their morning and afternoon shows help keep me sane from 1000 - 1400 and again from 1400 - 1700. Gym.

Saturday. Annual New Year ritual, worshipping elderly family. Kos will not see me this weekend, sadly. I miss this

Have I found a light? No. I am just, just.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Physical exertion does little to help, frayed around the edges I am the victim of an over active mind.

The gym has been seeing me since Monday, and the ache in my body as a result of my workout, satisfying in some twisted masochistic way. But it hasn't calmed the waters. Immersing myself in a tome has not been effective either as I soon find myself blankly looking at the same page, long after I've read it.

3am and I am conscious again with barely 3hrs sleep, a regular occurrence now, abnormal for someone who has insisted upon a minimum of 8hrs sleep from the age of 21.

For some reason as I surfaced from what passes as sleep for me, a song that I heard recently was playing in my head - Lost.

There I lay, in that place somewhere between sleep and awake, Michael Buble singing in the background and me lost in a world so far from my reality that its scary sometimes. Its a strange sensation this, living two lives, one the reality a mere existence, the other, rich in color and sound, a life that fills me completely where I am happy, all that I can be, yet just a fantasy.

The ringing of church bells gradually drew me up and out eventually, to shower, dress and leave for work. I am still mildly disoriented, almost like an out of body experience... I know that the edges of my existence are frayed, I can almost feel the hanging threads, see the ends drawn out... the integrity of my cloth compromised... I wonder dispassionately if it will bear the strain, after so many washes the material is kind of threadbare, the strands not as strong as they used to be, the colors look quite faded...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

April 15th 2008

My days continue to run into one another, each hardly different from the one before and so little to look forward to.

My weekends are spent lolling away in a hammock in spite of all my good intentions to either get on with waxing my floors, sandpaper the bathtub or finish drawing up a company profile I agreed to prepare for a friend's new business venture

Take this Saturday for instance... I had a friend staying over, who was to leave that evening, returning to the city in time to spend the New Year with his parents. We had retired for an afternoon snooze, him to a bed and me to the varandha and Capt. Sunils' wonderful hammock. I awaken a few hours later, to find R all ready to go, which he does as I wave him a languid adios from the depths of my cradle, asking that he call me on making it safe home. Two hours later the phone rings and me, I am yet to even consider the possibility of stirring from my spot!

Surrounded by at least a couple of books, a pillow, my camera, a beer or two and Kermi to keep me company, my needs are catered to. The flow of life around me draws me up frequently from the depths of what I'm reading. The troop of monkeys as they come to forage, a pigeon bent upon stripping a branch of its twigs, a pregnant monitor lizard making its way across the yard, a flight of bats taking aloft with the setting sun; none of these an intrusion, rather part of what this is. There is a calmness around me, the ripple of water, the sound of the wind in the trees, a dogs bark in the distance, the shrill cry of a Brahmin kite as it skirts the lagoon edge. Bliss.

This is a place of dreams. It is a place to rest, to contemplate life. The pace of is slower, the wind and the waves are gentle, the only intrusion the sound of a bus belching its way along the road.

Retuning to the city always a chore, always undertaken reluctantly so.

I hope that with time will come some direction to my life. I know what I want... will I get it is what I don't know, what remains to be seen...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Every morning

4am every morning, I awake with just one thought in my mind...

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

And back again...

A turn of events Sunday night and with it came a sense of direction and purpose. Monday a day of introspection, calm and contentment, a sense of wellbeing missing from my life these past few weeks.

Home that evening to shower, dine and retire early with a book, to sleep peacefully, deeply, well. Happy I may not have been, but relieved, content I was.

Tuesday afternoon and a change in the wind, bringing me back by evening to square one; cumulating in a cry of the lost and despair, a feeling of having stepped back into a trap. I do not think I can do this in spite of me trying to follow my head over my heart.

Time will tell….

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The weekend

I must confess, my weekend was certainly a pleasant one.

All that I expected of it and perhaps even more. Friday evening saw me on my way down the coast, car loaded with provisions happily bowling along the coastal road.

Destination reached closer to 22:00hrs than 21;00hrs under a crisp clear night full of stars. The temptation was too strong, I had to...

Kayak pulled out and set afloat, a few paddle strokes out and there I was adrift on the lagoon, lying on my back gazing up into a tropical sky filled with stars. Across the water I could faintly hear Cafe del Mar and except for the noise of an occasionally passing vehicle, the moment was perfect. It's been a while since I've indulged myself like this, taking a moment to sit back and enjoy a night sky, is not too often the clouds keep away and then there is something about city living, one hardly looks up.

Saturday morning and I was out again, armed this time with a book for it was my intention to follow Madiba's life story. A shaded cove, craft backed up and loosely tied.... time flew and twas the rumblings of my tummy that brought me back and to shore for sustenance. Sadly, reluctantly I was to return to the city that night, driving like a lunatic according to a very reliable eye witness.....

Sunday morn, 5am is a perfect time to leave.. and leave I did for the cooler climes of Bandarawela 0n an errand.

A trip I looked forward to with a certain sense of anticipation for I was visiting old haunts, a place that I had lived in for four years, a time where things were less complicated and somehow happier times. A time where elephants, sustainable agriculture and a Sunday lunch packet from the YWCA were highlights of my week. Of the Fox Hill races and drives to N'Eliya in aid of a smitten friend, of long walks through the mana and illuk grass, warm bottles of beer in rucksack, nights spent making love under the stars at the edge of Diyaluma... but I digress.

So, Bandarawela, the cool climes, lovely.

The road has been resurfaced almost all the way, which was a pleasant surprise... good fun.

The trip was made with one objective in mind, to find out what the stars have in store for me. Well, apparently Saturn is in a malefic mood (old news), but Venus and Mars are doing a tango which for some reason has got old man Pluto ticked off. Now Venus happens to be my ruling planet which explains my desire for pleasure, sensuality, personal possessions, comfort and ease. Pluto as you may know is a changer, bringing buried desires and needs to the surface, even at the cost if destroying the present.

In a nut shell, interesting times for me..... thou I must have words with Old Fonny, for he had most clearly indicated a different course of events ahead.....

Enroute back I was treated to one of those famous mists that Haputale is known for... Haputale itself has remained relatively unchanged which was kind of nice. The view across the plains as magnificent as I recollect it to be, looking across the land south south east.....

Ice cold beer at Belihul Oya Rest House, a lovely rice and curry for lunch, Colombo for dinner and CSI - all good stuff

Monday, April 7, 2008

Desert walk

I've been reading The Little Prince over and over again, its always been a book from which I have derived a great sense of satisfaction.

Since of late though, I am becoming more and more engrossed with his walk in the desert.... I feel a sense of affinity to that.

The last few months have certainly lead me to this desolate place I now find myself in. Each measured trend taking me further and further into it. But I've managed to stop now. I haven't looked back yet, but what I can see around me is rolling sands, scorching in the heat of a blazing sun that saps away at what little reserves I have. No further will I walk, for I have done enough to myself as it is. What I do next, is what I wait to see. Find myself out or sit...

In my musings I've made little if any reference to one sphere of influence, the one person who is affected the most. Truth is, that presence has managed help me, slowed me down before I lost myself completely. That this person is an innocent, and yet hurt so deeply by the events of these last few months, a cause of deep regret to me. I did not wish this to be so

Friday, April 4, 2008

Its friday!!

I so love Friday's... and that is saying a lot, coming from a guy who used to look forward to Monday, just cos I could not wait to get back to work!

Age perhaps, a change in priorities perhaps, a need to slip away from it all to recuperate... what ever the reason, I look forward to my weekends and any holiday that extends for more than 48hrs.

I get restless being in the same place..... which is so why I enjoy my road trips. Living out of a suitcase week after week, sleeping in five different beds in the course of one week, these matter not. The road sustains me and I gaze forward over the next hill, around the next corner.

The downsides are having to eat and sleep alone... two things I detest doing.

But the reasons for my Friday's is a little closer to home actually... my little shack down by the stream...