Monday, June 30, 2008


Towards the later hours of last night I was woken by a terrible sense of helplessness. In the far recesses of my mind I was caught within the confines of circumstances, trapped and almost on the verge of loosing my mind irrevocably.


It took a significant effort on my part, sitting crossed legged upon a sofa, silently compartmentalizing each and every issue that I am faced with. The darkness in and around me, silence except for the moan of the wind my only companions in this hour.

But I discovered somethings. I realized what can drive a person to lunacy, I discovered what could prompt someone to take ones own life. There is an edge around us all that we could fall over, and it seems that in my mind, that edge is not so far away after all.

I'm pulled in every direction... by well meaning people certainly; by people with their own agenda's, by people in desperation, my own desires in conflict with my responsibilities, culture, society at large, even by people who are not people - a cryptic comment upon which, regretfully, I cannot elaborate any further.

And in all this, there seems no one for me. The one that I depend upon, who is the source of my better humours, unable to be there. I am, truly alone in this. I have two who have in their way tried to help, and I suspect that it is their presence so far that has helped me along.... but as developments occur, with each passing day it becomes harder and harder for me.

I am having to face upto my own inadequacies, my failings. And in trying to find my way out into the light it seems that the very elements are in against me

Soon, something must happen.... this cannot go on

Saturday, June 14, 2008

On the road

On my travels again, a brief trip this, just two days to meet a client.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


When I kicked off this blog twas simply because i needed a place to vocalise some of the things in my life. It was not a cry for attention it was not me reaching out for a helping hand, it certainly was not for anything less or more than as an outlet for me.

Over the months, total strangers have left comments, the majority of them touching that people cared enough to just say something positive.

No one knows what really goes on and no life runs as well as the next. Shit happens. What really annoys me though are the anonymous comments people leave with that 'holier than thou attitude'.

Most of us should consider ourselves fortunate that our lives run in a mediocre fashion, that the day is pretty much the same as what it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. But, the world being what the world is, some of us get caught in things that, well are things.

My own life has not been the perfect one, it has had its moments. I realise that there are hoards of well meaning people out there, who kind of have an idea of how the world should be, according to them.

I am going through a trying period in my life - not the first, not the last but certainly one that is draining me and wearing me down. By everyone book, what I am thinking, feeling, contemplating is wrong, is not acceptable and will as someone put it, provide many with much to talk about over coffee after dinner on a slow night.

If it happens.

Right now I don't know where I stand. All I can say is that I am pulled in two directions - one which is so 'wrong' and yet so right and the other which is 'right but wrong.

I don't need advice... I know all the arguments for and against, I know what is right, what is not, what is acceptable and what society accepts - I am not stupid for crying out loud.

Somewhere, somehow there must be a place where all will be well.

Je suis triste, cela est difficile