Disturbing

Towards the later hours of last night I was woken by a terrible sense of helplessness. In the far recesses of my mind I was caught within the confines of circumstances, trapped and almost on the verge of loosing my mind irrevocably.

Disturbing.

It took a significant effort on my part, sitting crossed legged upon a sofa, silently compartmentalizing each and every issue that I am faced with. The darkness in and around me, silence except for the moan of the wind my only companions in this hour.

But I discovered somethings. I realized what can drive a person to lunacy, I discovered what could prompt someone to take ones own life. There is an edge around us all that we could fall over, and it seems that in my mind, that edge is not so far away after all.

I'm pulled in every direction... by well meaning people certainly; by people with their own agenda's, by people in desperation, my own desires in conflict with my responsibilities, culture, society at large, even by people who are not people - a cryptic comment upon which, regretfully, I cannot elaborate any further.

And in all this, there seems no one for me. The one that I depend upon, who is the source of my better humours, unable to be there. I am, truly alone in this. I have two who have in their way tried to help, and I suspect that it is their presence so far that has helped me along.... but as developments occur, with each passing day it becomes harder and harder for me.

I am having to face upto my own inadequacies, my failings. And in trying to find my way out into the light it seems that the very elements are in against me

Soon, something must happen.... this cannot go on